I had no idea I could actually be happy...

I wrote this on August 7th but wasn't ready to post it on my blog. Postpartum depression is very real and extremely scary for everyone around. I think it is important that people realize it is a serious disease and not just something that can be ignored.

After I had Hayden I had really bad PPD. I didn't hold him at all in the hospital other than to feed him and at home Mike took care of most everything. He was tongue tied so nursing was a nightmare. The crying made me insane and I could hardly stand it. I felt nothing but gloom and doom. The exhaustion was all I could focus on and I hated my life. At one point I wouldn't allow myself into the kitchen to cook or clean because there were knives in there and I feared how far my condition would allow me to go. Thankfully I knew my limits and I would put Hayden in his crib and just let him cry while I went to get a shower...no baby has ever died from crying, but many babies die from exhausted, stressed, depressed mothers who don't seek proper help.

I don't know what is so different this time...I've only been on medication for four days (over a month now) so I don't think that's it...maybe I was more prepared, but this time I have really really enjoyed Dallin. I did a lot of skin to skin in the hospital and he has really been a fantastic nurser. I don't freak out when he cries - sometimes I actually just sit and listen to it and somewhat enjoy it. I love snuggling him and just can't get enough.

I had no idea having a baby could be this enjoyable. I had no clue I could actually be happy. I feel bad that I didn't feel like this with Hayden but I can't change the past...all I can do is try to enjoy Hayden the way he is now.

I'm just so in love with my boys. I know I'll probably have some of the same frustrated feelings with Dallin as I did with Hayden, but so far it's been a million times better.